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Well , i canny let a good thread dissapear into the wide web ..




A college professor was doing a study , testing the senses of first graders , by using a bowl of Lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers , one at a time , and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began :

'Red............cherry,'

'Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,'

'Orange........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavoured Lifesaver.

After eating them , none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well ,' he said, 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror , spat out her Lifesaver , and yelled,

'Oh My God! Spit them out everyone. They're aaseholes!'

Hi,

Haha! I don't drink coffee, so I need my phriday phunnies to get started!



Cheers,
Nik

Classic!
I thought she was going to say the name of another orifice...
Thanks for the giggle Phat

I'm pretty sure He's actually from Wodonga NOT Victoria!

Champaz_xt that is gold

You have got to be kidding me? I cannot believe some people are THAT stupid!?

Hi all , have a good daY


A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time .

"How wonderful" , sats her friend .

"But i hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband ?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died" , said the woman .

"Oh , how tragic ...what about your second husband ?" asks the friend .

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too , and died" .

"Oh , how terrible" , says the friend .

"I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband" .

"He die of a broken neck" ' says the woman .

"A broken neck ?" asks the friend .

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms" .

Hi,

Haha, nice one. Women are evil!

Cheers,
Nik

I hope you don't mind me posting in here Phat?...

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29"."I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Well io guess i better up the ante , if mine are not good enough ...

Affairs ...


*The 1st Affair*

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"

*The 2nd Affair*

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

*The 3rd Affair*

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

*The 4th Affair*

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

*The 5th Affair*

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the bartender replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

*The 6th Affair*

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to" his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend wise, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."


Have a good day y'all

Phat_GT:

*The 1st Affair*

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"

*The 4th Affair*

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."



Ahahahahahaha!!!!

Thanks Phil, I'm going to need them today..